Turns out Picard is a raging alcoholic with cognitive impairment and is only a figurehead the crew needs in place in order to manage the ship.
It also turns out that the entire crew is actually Borg which have adapted into creating perfect disguises for their physical implants and augmentations, to hide their identity and infiltrate the federation … with an entire federation ship crewed by Borg and captained by a single human who is a helpless easily manipulated alcoholic.
“Starship Captains are like children.” - Scotty
Those teas he replicated are Long Island earl gray tea.
Except actually it turns out that he’s remained in the Borg ship this entire time - the whole Riker maneuver really did just mean putting his leg up over chairs, and so this has been a Matrix-like dream ever since…
Oh look, it’s Junior Lieutenant … Packer? Pique? Whatever, just bring the PADD to Lieutenant Commander La Forge.
Plus we think he’s banging the doctor
